I JUST FRIGGIN REALIZED... I think the more I figure out how much I omfglove like someone, the more it depresses me... ok being totally honest, I'm not sure if it's depressing so much as scary... for over a year I have been trying to convince myself that I DO NOT LIKE [this person].
I don't know why.

I just know I'm not ready to go for it yet.




((but I hope you understand.))

it's kinda awesome.


I realized that I actually faved a ton of stock over the past couple of years that I meant to do something with... so now I made a collection to make those kinds of things easier to find. I should've done that sooner xP

p.s. fyi- this song is #667 on my mp3 player.

post.post.script: I just spent the better part of 6 hours looking for a song... started by hearing a few familiar lines on a tv show. had that OMG-I-know-that-song feeling, and tried as hard as I could to hear the words but it was turned way down. sad face. so I started typing in all the possible lines I thought I may have heard. no luck, so I went to the show's website. found tonight's episode, but could not remember the scene I heard it in. mom's computer is super slow with video so once it started it took forever to navigate away from the page, so that took a while. then came up here to my computer, which is not so bad with videos. happy face! I skipped around a lot though, but after watching nearly 40 out of the total 43min of the show, I found. the. scene. had to play the same two minutes over three times, but eventually heard enough line fragments to plug a few words into googs.
the official search terms: lyrics "even though" "her heart" lost + enough. lawl. don't search that. yet.


the song was... *drumroll*
[link]
*contented sigh* played it like 6 times now. cried a little. I love this song.

my life is really suckkkking right now. I haven't figured out what to say to the people at the school who want my money. I haven't figured out how to get any. I haven't figured out when [assuming I get any money] or where I want to move. I'm starting to regret the program I chose, which I chose because it was the best option for the only art institute in my state, since there is a fine arts program offered (but only in Miami) that I'm sure I would loooove. it's like the only thing I really want as a career. a commissioning studio artist...

I think what I'm going to do is first, go home. (currently at the library) second, email the instructor of my psychology class and apologize for being inactive lately, but try to explain that I'm working on my financial situation so I can continue said course. then I should probably contact the financial adviser and let them know that my mom and I don't know how the money stuff works and my dad is never home like he always says he'll be.
he is a world-class procrastinator. he apologizes and then says 'I'll try to be home early tomorrow to help'. uggggghh, he always frickin' thinks it'll be different. honestly, he says he'll try to help 'later' for a week, then two later asks what I've heard from [the banks he never helped me to apply to]. my mom thinks I'm doing homework right now, but I couldn't get to my class account from this computer. I feel bad that we've been here for an hour and I'm just about to say 'I couldn't get to it, so I decided to write to people online.' obviously, I'm not going to say exactly that. but I will have to say something. wish me luck...


p.s. there should be a mood option for 'burnt out'.

mood swings.
like, seriously... I gotta get out more. stupid apprpaching winter and effed up sleep schedule. I gotta start going to bed and waking up earlier.
also need a laptop. my brother's quit working and he didn't want to fix it, so he said if my dad could figure it out or take it somewhere to be fixed, I could have it. about six weeks ago. I am supposed to have a drawing tablet and a whole bunch of software, like, five weeks ago. I need to start paying more attention to my emails and, uh, life. just pay attention to shit. I have so much to figure out that I don't know where to start. I always do things this way.
like in the spring, after Russell's funeral and everything I had so much trouble trying to catch up that I nearly didn't graduate. I don't want to do that any more.
I need to fix my life. and by myself, my social skills are a hell of a lot worse than Monique's. (don't worry, I don't expect anyone else to get that.) I CAN'T MAKE PHONE CALLS. NAMELY TO PEOPLE I DON'T TALK TO IN PERSON. no, I don't understand, either. oh, and money scares me. but any way... I'm hungry.
- - ..-. -.

I hatehatehate computers right now. yesterday was the last day for my English class online, but they "end" of a day is 3am MST. that's 4am here. I am a horrible procrastinator, plus there's the fact that I am somehow able to concentrate on working when I know I should be going to bed. So I get going and before I know it, it's 3:50. so I'm like shitshitshit please work internet, please.. I get to the class, upload the doc ANDTHENITFUCKINGCLOSES. the internet "unexpectedly quit". FUCKYOUCOMPUTER. I went back and submitted it any way but I'm pretty fuckin sure I can't get credit for it. not like I had a wonderful grade to fall back on either, I'm almost certainly going to fail... whatever grade I get I'm pretty sure I need to have at least a C to take English II. Fuck, that was my first class. Second one starts.. like 10 minutes ago I guess. If this class doesn't count toward my degree I have no doubt in my mind that I will hear something like "If you already failed a class how do you expect to pass the next ones?" that shouldn't bother me as much as it will, it's gonna be the most fucking depressing thing in the world and I will cryyyy. a lot. I have like no hope that I'm going to pass this class, and I was totally counting on getting all of my classes done on time, the first time around because at this point I seriously have NO money towards my education and I have no confidence to start looking at this point. fuckfuckfuck. I just wish I hadn't picked up the regret routine from my dad. except he blames other people for stuff. he thinks he has everything figured out in his mind. he kinda does, but it is completely and totally dependent on everything else working out how he wanted it to. me, I just think about things I should have and should not have done. shouldn't have been on the internet at this time, should have been researching that day etc. I don't even have classmates yet that I could study with or ask for help. sure, there are a hundred different people I can talk to on the phone but I get too self conscious. I can't even order fucking pizza. I go online if I want Domino's delivery, otherwise it's someone else's job. ugh. fuck. I really hate to be me sometimes.